Could the way I love and give in relationship be a problem?
I identify as an empath and a caretaker, they are somewhat synonymous. Can these traits ruin a relationship? I think so if they are left unchecked. Here are some definitions and I’ll break down some strategies to stay healthy in a relationship.
Definitions:
Empath: Someone who is highly sensitive and attuned to the emotions of others. They may feel other people’s emotions so deeply that they take them on as their own.
Characteristics
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- Empathy: Empaths have a defining ability to understand and share other people’s feelings.
- Intuition: Empaths have a strong sense of intuition and trust their instincts.
- Sensitivity: Empaths are sensitive to noise, crowds, and other people’s emotions.
- Connection to nature: Empaths may feel connected to nature, plants, and animals.
- Helping others: Empaths may have a strong urge to help others.
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Challenges
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- Emotional overload- Empaths may become overwhelmed by negative emotions or feel responsible for others’ emotional well-being.
- Difficulty expressing feelings- Empaths may struggle to express their own feelings, making it hard to form close emotional connections.
- Anxiety- Empaths may experience anxiety due to feeling other people’s emotions so deeply.
Caretaker Personality
A caretaker personality is characterized by being caring, supportive, and helpful. Caretakers are often intuitive and enjoy putting systems in place to help others. They can be loyal and stabilizing in groups, and are often well-liked by others. However, caretakers can be susceptible to burnout and exhaustion.
Traits:
- Empathy: Caretakers are highly empathetic and caring.
- Support: Caretakers are loyal, supportive, and helpful.
- Intuitive: Caretakers are intuitive about the needs of others.
- Organization: Caretakers like to plan and implement routine and organization.
- People-pleasing: Caretakers may avoid conflict and people-please to avoid discomfort.
Caretaking in relationships:
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- Caretakers may be attracted to people who have a desperate need to be taken care of.
- Caretakers may over-give in relationships, which can lead to burnout and exhaustion.
- Caretakers may lose their sense of self and identity as they prioritize their partner’s needs over their own.
How can these ruin a relationship?
- Resentment- Even if you love someone, resentment can build as you give and give and lose more and more of yourself in the process. It’s not necessarily the other person’s fault. If you are giving and giving, they will accept that level of exchange as the norm, even if you feel overextended or like you are losing yourself. A sensitive partner will notice and try to help. A less sensitive, or more self centered partner will let you wither. This dynamic will breed resentment as you don’t get reciprocation for all of your giving.
- Feeling Drained- As mentioned above, if you are over-giving without paying attention to your own energy battery level and what you need, then you will be drained. When you are drained you are not a good partner, nor are you serving yourself to live the life you want for you.
- Loss of identity and compass- Being concerned about your partner’s well-being and experience, and being highly attuned to them can cause a loss of focus on your own goals and desires and priorities. You are trying to hard to life your partner up and support them that you forget yourself. You are able to lift up your significant other because you track them and feel them so acutely. You may not be aware that this is not normal, and that it’s not reciprocated by your partner.
For me, I’ve found I’ve needed big breaks and large blocks of time to remember who I am and what’s important to me after spending intensive time with my partner. I’ve even had the desire to break it off and end it, because at least then I won’t be burning myself out, or feeling resentful, or losing track of myself.
The thing is, if I want a relationship, it’s my job to clean these things up, and to get better at self care, boundaries, and asking for what I want. If I’m expecting my partner to change, or to fix things for me, then I’m giving away my power and stuck in a loop of these states and of victimhood.
What to do
- Take space- Often the only way I can get clarity and get back to baseline, to find myself, is for me to take space. I need emotional, mental, and physical space. I need to know that I will not be interrupted until I’ve gained clarity and I’m ready to emerge from my cave. Not everybody understands this. Some people think it’s weird. Do it anyway. It will make you a better partner, and most importantly, it will direct your empathic and caaretaking superpowers toward the one who needs them most- you.
- Communicate- Learn to ask for what you want. It can feel scary to ask for what you want and to take care of yourself. For me, a big part of my self identity has been wrapped up in taking care of others. It’s the main way I love- cooking for people, doing things for them, anticipating needs, being an organizer and facilitating good experiences- if I am not doing for others, will they still love me? Maybe irrational, but that is the shadow side of this behavior- feeling like people only value you for what you do, not who you are. Tell your partner when you’re feeling overwhelmed and need space to regroup. Tell them what they can do to help you. Let go of control. You don’t have to do it all.
- Be more selfish– For an Empath/ Caretaker type, what feels like being very selfish is what most people define as normal. You may be scared and feel like you’re driving a huge stake in the ground with a sledgehammer, and it may be met with little or no fanfare by those around you. The exception would be people who have gotten very comfortable with you overly caretaking them. They might have an issue. If they truly love you, they will understand and support you. If they insist on things staying the way they’ve been (the unhealthy way for you), then it may be time to re-examine that relationship.
What Does a Healthy Relationship Look Like?
It’s a work in progress for me, but here’s what I think:
- Division of labor– show love by doing things for your partner if it does not drain your battery. Let your partner do things for you, and for themselves.
- Trust your partner to take care of themselves and to ask for what they want– You do not have to anticipate or take care of every need. It’s ok for your partner to feel unhappy or disappointed. Their feelings are not your responsibility. Their experience is not your responsibility.
- Take space when you need it- If you’ve lost yourself or are feeling anxious, take space- a walk, some downtime to breathe, and activity that grounds you- sport, gardening, journaling, what ever it may be. You might need a night alone, to sleep in another room. I’ve done this. My partner didn’t like it, but I did it anyway, because I needed it. They adapted. You might need a weekend away, or even a week. The key is to communicate as best you can to your partner that you still love them, and you will be back. If you do this frequently and come back to them more present, engaged, and loving, with your battery fully charged, they will trust and support the process and the space taking more.
Be brave. Change like this requires courage. Keep the end in mind- a more grounded, happy, and energized you. a healthier and stronger and more balanced relationship.
From one of my favorite authors/ bloggers, biohackers/ mavericks:
“What we fear doing most is usually what we most need to do.” — Tim Ferriss